Jonathan Livingston Pteranadon's Automatic Writing Catalog

Note: From the Fall 2004 Edition. If you'd like a more recent catalog, get in line.

Editor's Picks (Gnu!)

"The Mail Man Cometh" by Androgynous Karl Malone (Collector's Edition)

The gripping tale of a endomorphic, smooth-skinned, hairless power forward, bedecked in a flesh-toned lycra body suit and dunking the ball with an atonal, falsetto 'Booyah!'. "The Mail Man Cometh" vividly portrays the professional, personal, and hormonal challenges that a six-time all-star wrestles with as he/she deals with his/her androgynosity in a drogynous world. 

"Hairy Knee-caps: The Tragic Epic of Institutional Doping on East German Athletes" by Mr. Gretta Goebbels (world-record holder: discus, status: disgraced)

The horrific and fascinating account of the state-run doping program that transformed the East German athletic establishment from perennial Warsaw Pact whipping-boy to hairy-knee'd, hyperagressive scourge of the Olympiad. Countless East German athletes recount the bizarre effects of super-human levels of steroids in their bodies. From spontaneous sex-reversals to mindless killing frenzies to bouts of St.Olaf's Two-Step, this twisted tale gratifies our readers lust for freakish human suffering.

"The Da Vinci Decoder Ring" by Supine Ron Kittle

Two-time Victoria's Cross recipient and star of the hit reality TV series, "Who Wants to Marry Hisself?", Mr. Kittle weaves quite a tangled, mangled yarn. Brimming with over-used clichés and stilted dialogue, Mr. Kittle has the audacity to launch a two-pronged literary blitzkrieg on readers' taste in fiction, as well their own religious beliefs (particularly Zoroastrianism). Readers who don't choke to death on their own vomitus after Chapter 1 are likely to ritually flagellate themselves by the end of the book - especially when they learn of the supposed (heretical) love triangle between Zarathustra, Poseidon, and the Michelin Tire Man. Further profanities (backed by the author's extensive research, conducted solely in online chat rooms) include the revelation that Brigham Young was the original Santa Claus, and that the revered artifact, St. Erasmus' Blue Suede Shoe, has the power to hasten the apocalypse.

Guitar Tablature Compendium, Volume VII by Vinnie "The Microfiche" Moore, Marty Friedman d/b/a Hisself, Yngwie Malmsteen (played by Ionian Vidkund Quisling)

This latest tome is chock-full of hits from 1990s alt-pop bands such as Matchbox Twenty, Third Eye Blind, Better Than Ezra Whitepowder and Hootie and Silverfish. Aspiring shredders will especially enjoy the chapter on creating your own sound. The authors delve into issues such as tube versus solid state amps, Fender versus Gibson guitars, and details of quantum theory on palm muting (plus a brief synopsis of the Hetfield Uncertainty Principle). This edition also comes with an 8-track of play-along riffs, all of which have been reproduced illegally and with the original author's express prohibition.

Other Top Picks:

Blowout! How I Defeated Colonel Sanders, Built An Empire, and Ruptured my Colon - by Admiral Jules Nightstick, Founder of Kentucky Fried Manatees, and world's only survivor of quintuple colonic bypass surgery.

20 Years of Sports Injuries Illustrated: A Graphic Celebration, Edited by Bob Euchre, Photography by Peeping Jim Dandy

The Corporate Jank, "All the News You Care to Eat"

Edited by:  A. Zutroy McDongle
Censored by:  Pre-Cambrian Edgar Winters
Automatic-Writer-At-Large: Jonathan Livingston Pteranodon, Jr. d/b/a The Immovable Bede

"Munntastic" Maritime Misadventures Continue off the Somali Coast
Pirate Spokesperson and Special Deputy Assistant to Captain Crunch, Bill Munn, spoke to news outlets this past Munnday. "We have seized a 350-foot freighter  - 'The Filthy Mermaid' -  and are holding its crew and cargo hostage. We will exchange the crew and freight for a ransom equal of (a) $1,000,000 US dollars, (b) a cure for scurvy or (c) a goodly quantity of ribald literature."

Relatives of the hostages seemed unfazed. Rastus O'Denga said, "I think I speak for all of relatives of hostages when I say, 'Why were they on that ship to begin with? What did they do to provoke those peace-loving pirates into acting aggressively (and in self-defense, I might add).' If they hadn't supported the techno-industrial military complex and its imperialistic policies of conquest and earth-rape, then none of this would have happened. So frankly, I think they deserve to die at the hands of these pirates. I also pray to the universe that there is a hell - specifically so that they alone can burn there for all eternity. Now leave me alone -- I have to finish reading 'The Times' before I head to pilates"

U.S. Coast Guard officers, aboard the U.S.S. Vulgar Monkey, monitored the hostage situation from a half mile away and prepared for the worst. "We are preparing the Greek Fire in case we have to get medieval on these scurvy sea dogs'", said Commander Montrose Gravy-Train. When asked by reporters what he plans on doing if he has to use force to extricate the hostages, Commander Gravy-Train replied, "What does 'extricate' mean?' Further questioning led the Commander to ask the definitions of "plan", "hostage", "gross incompetence", and "unfit for duty". Finally, one exasperated reporter blurted out, "Are you going to cook some fools?" A semi-comprehending flicker spread across Commander Gravy-Train's 1000-yard stare. "Ah....yes", he replied, "methinks we shall be cooking fools tonight, fo' shizzle"

Sub-prime Mortgage Crisis Gives Way to Super-Prime Mortgage Bonanza
Treasury spokesman, the emphemeral Don Knotts, confided with AP reporters and Baby Sitters' Club members that he was confident that a 'super prime mortgage bonanza' would soon emerge across the U.S. economic landscape. "We're seeing a flight to quality when it comes to mortgages, so that's why I think that major lending institutions will soon be offering negative interest rate mortgages to AAA credit buyers," Knotts said. "I think that major banks will fight tooth and nail for these top quality home buyers. And I mean that literally -- bankers will actually be kicking each other in the head trying to win this business." Fed spokesman Dingus Entwhistle agreed. "We have prepared for this eventuality. We constructed an octagonal death-match arena specifically for resolving mortgage applicant selection among bankers, with rotatating knives and all."

Elekshun Tid-bitz 2008: "It's the stupid, economy!"
Following up on their successful anti-voter fraud campaign of 2004, the Learned Brotherhood of Vote Integrity and Animal Husbandry launched their latest anti-fraud slogan and posters for 2008. All across major metropolitan areas can be seen signs of "Voter Fraud Makes Baby Thomas Jefferson Cry", and  "Fight Antidisenfranchisementhood!" Dressed in camoflauge netting, mason aprons and flesh-toned unitards, LBVIAH has crept surreptitiously across the U.S. spreading their message of stoic integrity, puzzling slogans, and distrubing attire.

Yep - he be cryin'...


In a recently commissioned Zagat poll, 93% of U.S. Americans stated their choice for Presdient as "The Whopper", followed by "The Quintuple Whaler" with 3% and "Cheeseburger, Fry, Drink and Pie" with 1%. Margin of error is +/- 100%, at a 0% confident level.

The Corporate Jank, Tarp Edition

Corporate Jankin': TARP Edition

Major Media Outlets on  Obama Victory, "We Freaking LOVE This Guy!!"
"Sweet mother of James Earl Carter, Jr.!!! I am like so totally stoked over Obama's win!" gushed NYT editor Alfreda Schlitz-Lowenbrau-Blue-Ribbon, shortly after John McCain's concession speech concluded. Ms. Schlitz-Lowenbrau-Blue-Ribbon was especially pleased with what she described Obama's ability to 'unificate' the country. "He was all, 'I'm for change', and we were all, 'yeah - that's awesome', and then he was like, 'I'm going to heal this country'  and we were all like 'yeah, totally'", you know?" Over at MSNBC, Chris Matthews was bubbling with giddy, schoolgirl-like excitement post-election. "This is freaking awesome! All my bitter tirades paid off! And now I have to go shovel out my trousers...I just crapped myself with joy..." effused Matthews. Left-wing curmudgeon Keith Olbermann hopped about his desk like a frog for three hours following the election hoo-hah, and eventually had to be shot with an elephant tranquilizer. Huffington Post editor, Arianna Huffington, though, was a bit more focused. "Thank goodness Obama's message of hope and enlightened tolerance won out. Now I can re-double my efforts to convincing the new administration that it should be OK for us to kill Republicans in the streets, or barring that, at least take away their constitutional rights and give each one 3/5 of a vote in all future elections."

Try to get that picture out of your head...

Green Activist Admits, "I Can't Tell Difference Between a Moose and a Squirrel"
Long-time green activist and earth lover, Mr. Justice McDangit, unleashed a real shocker on Larry King Almost Dead last night. "Mr. McDangit, is it true that while you profess Earth love, you have never ventured outside your comfy urban womb on the upper east side?" "Not so, Larry. I happen to be a rugged, adventuring lover of nature sort of guy" replied McDangit. "So, then," said Larry as he handed Justice two photographs, "which one of these animals is a moose, and which one is a squirrel?" "Larry, that's not fair. I can't read or write", said McDangit. "But these are photographs..." said King. "This is a trick question right? Neither of them is a squirrel or a moose, right?" "No" said Larry. "Ah-ha - that's the moose" said McDangit. "You dolt! You are pointing at me!, " said an indignant Larry. ""Larry, who am I to see what animals should be mooses and which ones should be mices" "McDangit, you're stalling...my two year old great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson can tell the difference. Tell me, Mr. McDangit, you don't have any experience with nature or the outdoors, do you?" "No" mumbled McDangit, "Not a sausage..."

Which one's the squirrel?




My Timbers Be Shiverin'!
Somali pirates are at it again...this time, attacking a Saudi oil tanker. Sunday morning, approximately fifteen canoes - each powered by a 50 horsepower Evinrude outboard motor - surrounded and boarded a Saudi tanker. Once aboard, the Somali pirates tied up the Captain, his first mate, his 'little buddy', a self-proclaimed 'Captain Crunch', a odd-looking man with long hair and Wilde Silas Tomkin T-Shirt (designated 'Kaptain Krude'), the ship's chef (Captain D), and a motley band of Jehovah's Witnesses. The pirates than proceeded to dance, gyrate, cavort, skip, prance and generally 'spazz out' to the tunes of "Yo Gabba Gabba" being blared across the ship's loudspeakers. When asked by BBC World News what they were going to do with the captured booty, pirate PR officer Mbocce Mball said, "We are going to soak the worlds beaches with crude oil from this ship, and then offer to clean up the mess at exorbitant rates". BBC correspondent Fergus Matrimony replied, "But surely wouldn't it be better for you to hold the G-8 ransom with the threat of ecological disaster? Then you make more money and don't have to do all the manual labor of clean up." "That's a good point, " replied Mball, "Can you come be on our side? Please?"

Obama and Pelosi Team up for 'Innovative' Financial Policy
In a move designed to boost confidence in the economy and reassure organized labor that their election contributions won't go unrewarded, Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama jointly devised a new economic bail-out vision, entitled, " Bailout '08: Let's Party Like it's 1899!". In this loosely structured vision, P & O outline a three-pronged bailout trident to be plunged into the vital organs of taxpayers. The prongs consist of a $50 billion UAW, err...'Automaker' bailout, a $125 billion bailout of the horse and buggy industry (a darling of the green / renewable energy crowd), and $2.3 trillion in no-interest loans and subsidies to manufacturers of beta-max, laser disc and 8-track media. Said Pelosi on Monday, "BHO and I are defining a bold new vision of America. A vision where high tariffs on imported goods, cripplingly high domestic labor costs, increased corporate taxes (we're #2 behind Japan in this, but we hope to overtake them soon!) and rewarding workers for seniority instead of productivity will transform every city in America into a worker's utopia - like Detroit or East Lansing." After her speech was over, the NYSE dropped 8,238 points to 0, while the Nikkei, FTSE, and DAX all dropped over 100% and into negative territory for the first time in the history of mankind.

 The future is now...

Other stories at thecorporatejank.com:
Man strangles hisself on advice of friends, family
Congress approaches treasury for TARP funds, "No we're not broke; just stupid and greedy"