The Corporate Jank, "All the News You Care to Eat"

Edited by:  A. Zutroy McDongle
Censored by:  Pre-Cambrian Edgar Winters
Automatic-Writer-At-Large: Jonathan Livingston Pteranodon, Jr. d/b/a The Immovable Bede

"Munntastic" Maritime Misadventures Continue off the Somali Coast
Pirate Spokesperson and Special Deputy Assistant to Captain Crunch, Bill Munn, spoke to news outlets this past Munnday. "We have seized a 350-foot freighter  - 'The Filthy Mermaid' -  and are holding its crew and cargo hostage. We will exchange the crew and freight for a ransom equal of (a) $1,000,000 US dollars, (b) a cure for scurvy or (c) a goodly quantity of ribald literature."

Relatives of the hostages seemed unfazed. Rastus O'Denga said, "I think I speak for all of relatives of hostages when I say, 'Why were they on that ship to begin with? What did they do to provoke those peace-loving pirates into acting aggressively (and in self-defense, I might add).' If they hadn't supported the techno-industrial military complex and its imperialistic policies of conquest and earth-rape, then none of this would have happened. So frankly, I think they deserve to die at the hands of these pirates. I also pray to the universe that there is a hell - specifically so that they alone can burn there for all eternity. Now leave me alone -- I have to finish reading 'The Times' before I head to pilates"

U.S. Coast Guard officers, aboard the U.S.S. Vulgar Monkey, monitored the hostage situation from a half mile away and prepared for the worst. "We are preparing the Greek Fire in case we have to get medieval on these scurvy sea dogs'", said Commander Montrose Gravy-Train. When asked by reporters what he plans on doing if he has to use force to extricate the hostages, Commander Gravy-Train replied, "What does 'extricate' mean?' Further questioning led the Commander to ask the definitions of "plan", "hostage", "gross incompetence", and "unfit for duty". Finally, one exasperated reporter blurted out, "Are you going to cook some fools?" A semi-comprehending flicker spread across Commander Gravy-Train's 1000-yard stare. "Ah....yes", he replied, "methinks we shall be cooking fools tonight, fo' shizzle"

Sub-prime Mortgage Crisis Gives Way to Super-Prime Mortgage Bonanza
Treasury spokesman, the emphemeral Don Knotts, confided with AP reporters and Baby Sitters' Club members that he was confident that a 'super prime mortgage bonanza' would soon emerge across the U.S. economic landscape. "We're seeing a flight to quality when it comes to mortgages, so that's why I think that major lending institutions will soon be offering negative interest rate mortgages to AAA credit buyers," Knotts said. "I think that major banks will fight tooth and nail for these top quality home buyers. And I mean that literally -- bankers will actually be kicking each other in the head trying to win this business." Fed spokesman Dingus Entwhistle agreed. "We have prepared for this eventuality. We constructed an octagonal death-match arena specifically for resolving mortgage applicant selection among bankers, with rotatating knives and all."

Elekshun Tid-bitz 2008: "It's the stupid, economy!"
Following up on their successful anti-voter fraud campaign of 2004, the Learned Brotherhood of Vote Integrity and Animal Husbandry launched their latest anti-fraud slogan and posters for 2008. All across major metropolitan areas can be seen signs of "Voter Fraud Makes Baby Thomas Jefferson Cry", and  "Fight Antidisenfranchisementhood!" Dressed in camoflauge netting, mason aprons and flesh-toned unitards, LBVIAH has crept surreptitiously across the U.S. spreading their message of stoic integrity, puzzling slogans, and distrubing attire.

Yep - he be cryin'...


In a recently commissioned Zagat poll, 93% of U.S. Americans stated their choice for Presdient as "The Whopper", followed by "The Quintuple Whaler" with 3% and "Cheeseburger, Fry, Drink and Pie" with 1%. Margin of error is +/- 100%, at a 0% confident level.