Jonathan Livingston Pteranadon's Automatic Writing Catalog

Note: From the Fall 2004 Edition. If you'd like a more recent catalog, get in line.

Editor's Picks (Gnu!)

"The Mail Man Cometh" by Androgynous Karl Malone (Collector's Edition)

The gripping tale of a endomorphic, smooth-skinned, hairless power forward, bedecked in a flesh-toned lycra body suit and dunking the ball with an atonal, falsetto 'Booyah!'. "The Mail Man Cometh" vividly portrays the professional, personal, and hormonal challenges that a six-time all-star wrestles with as he/she deals with his/her androgynosity in a drogynous world. 

"Hairy Knee-caps: The Tragic Epic of Institutional Doping on East German Athletes" by Mr. Gretta Goebbels (world-record holder: discus, status: disgraced)

The horrific and fascinating account of the state-run doping program that transformed the East German athletic establishment from perennial Warsaw Pact whipping-boy to hairy-knee'd, hyperagressive scourge of the Olympiad. Countless East German athletes recount the bizarre effects of super-human levels of steroids in their bodies. From spontaneous sex-reversals to mindless killing frenzies to bouts of St.Olaf's Two-Step, this twisted tale gratifies our readers lust for freakish human suffering.

"The Da Vinci Decoder Ring" by Supine Ron Kittle

Two-time Victoria's Cross recipient and star of the hit reality TV series, "Who Wants to Marry Hisself?", Mr. Kittle weaves quite a tangled, mangled yarn. Brimming with over-used clichés and stilted dialogue, Mr. Kittle has the audacity to launch a two-pronged literary blitzkrieg on readers' taste in fiction, as well their own religious beliefs (particularly Zoroastrianism). Readers who don't choke to death on their own vomitus after Chapter 1 are likely to ritually flagellate themselves by the end of the book - especially when they learn of the supposed (heretical) love triangle between Zarathustra, Poseidon, and the Michelin Tire Man. Further profanities (backed by the author's extensive research, conducted solely in online chat rooms) include the revelation that Brigham Young was the original Santa Claus, and that the revered artifact, St. Erasmus' Blue Suede Shoe, has the power to hasten the apocalypse.

Guitar Tablature Compendium, Volume VII by Vinnie "The Microfiche" Moore, Marty Friedman d/b/a Hisself, Yngwie Malmsteen (played by Ionian Vidkund Quisling)

This latest tome is chock-full of hits from 1990s alt-pop bands such as Matchbox Twenty, Third Eye Blind, Better Than Ezra Whitepowder and Hootie and Silverfish. Aspiring shredders will especially enjoy the chapter on creating your own sound. The authors delve into issues such as tube versus solid state amps, Fender versus Gibson guitars, and details of quantum theory on palm muting (plus a brief synopsis of the Hetfield Uncertainty Principle). This edition also comes with an 8-track of play-along riffs, all of which have been reproduced illegally and with the original author's express prohibition.

Other Top Picks:

Blowout! How I Defeated Colonel Sanders, Built An Empire, and Ruptured my Colon - by Admiral Jules Nightstick, Founder of Kentucky Fried Manatees, and world's only survivor of quintuple colonic bypass surgery.

20 Years of Sports Injuries Illustrated: A Graphic Celebration, Edited by Bob Euchre, Photography by Peeping Jim Dandy