Major Media Outlets on Obama Victory, "We Freaking LOVE This Guy!!"
"Sweet mother of James Earl Carter, Jr.!!! I am like so totally stoked over Obama's win!" gushed NYT editor Alfreda Schlitz-Lowenbrau-Blue-Ribbon, shortly after John McCain's concession speech concluded. Ms. Schlitz-Lowenbrau-Blue-Ribbon was especially pleased with what she described Obama's ability to 'unificate' the country. "He was all, 'I'm for change', and we were all, 'yeah - that's awesome', and then he was like, 'I'm going to heal this country' and we were all like 'yeah, totally'", you know?" Over at MSNBC, Chris Matthews was bubbling with giddy, schoolgirl-like excitement post-election. "This is freaking awesome! All my bitter tirades paid off! And now I have to go shovel out my trousers...I just crapped myself with joy..." effused Matthews. Left-wing curmudgeon Keith Olbermann hopped about his desk like a frog for three hours following the election hoo-hah, and eventually had to be shot with an elephant tranquilizer. Huffington Post editor, Arianna Huffington, though, was a bit more focused. "Thank goodness Obama's message of hope and enlightened tolerance won out. Now I can re-double my efforts to convincing the new administration that it should be OK for us to kill Republicans in the streets, or barring that, at least take away their constitutional rights and give each one 3/5 of a vote in all future elections."
Try to get that picture out of your head...
Green Activist Admits, "I Can't Tell Difference Between a Moose and a Squirrel"
Long-time green activist and earth lover, Mr. Justice McDangit, unleashed a real shocker on Larry King Almost Dead last night. "Mr. McDangit, is it true that while you profess Earth love, you have never ventured outside your comfy urban womb on the upper east side?" "Not so, Larry. I happen to be a rugged, adventuring lover of nature sort of guy" replied McDangit. "So, then," said Larry as he handed Justice two photographs, "which one of these animals is a moose, and which one is a squirrel?" "Larry, that's not fair. I can't read or write", said McDangit. "But these are photographs..." said King. "This is a trick question right? Neither of them is a squirrel or a moose, right?" "No" said Larry. "Ah-ha - that's the moose" said McDangit. "You dolt! You are pointing at me!, " said an indignant Larry. ""Larry, who am I to see what animals should be mooses and which ones should be mices" "McDangit, you're stalling...my two year old great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson can tell the difference. Tell me, Mr. McDangit, you don't have any experience with nature or the outdoors, do you?" "No" mumbled McDangit, "Not a sausage..."
My Timbers Be Shiverin'!
Somali pirates are at it again...this time, attacking a Saudi oil tanker. Sunday morning, approximately fifteen canoes - each powered by a 50 horsepower Evinrude outboard motor - surrounded and boarded a Saudi tanker. Once aboard, the Somali pirates tied up the Captain, his first mate, his 'little buddy', a self-proclaimed 'Captain Crunch', a odd-looking man with long hair and Wilde Silas Tomkin T-Shirt (designated 'Kaptain Krude'), the ship's chef (Captain D), and a motley band of Jehovah's Witnesses. The pirates than proceeded to dance, gyrate, cavort, skip, prance and generally 'spazz out' to the tunes of "Yo Gabba Gabba" being blared across the ship's loudspeakers. When asked by BBC World News what they were going to do with the captured booty, pirate PR officer Mbocce Mball said, "We are going to soak the worlds beaches with crude oil from this ship, and then offer to clean up the mess at exorbitant rates". BBC correspondent Fergus Matrimony replied, "But surely wouldn't it be better for you to hold the G-8 ransom with the threat of ecological disaster? Then you make more money and don't have to do all the manual labor of clean up." "That's a good point, " replied Mball, "Can you come be on our side? Please?"
Obama and Pelosi Team up for 'Innovative' Financial Policy
In a move designed to boost confidence in the economy and reassure organized labor that their election contributions won't go unrewarded, Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama jointly devised a new economic bail-out vision, entitled, " Bailout '08: Let's Party Like it's 1899!". In this loosely structured vision, P & O outline a three-pronged bailout trident to be plunged into the vital organs of taxpayers. The prongs consist of a $50 billion UAW, err...'Automaker' bailout, a $125 billion bailout of the horse and buggy industry (a darling of the green / renewable energy crowd), and $2.3 trillion in no-interest loans and subsidies to manufacturers of beta-max, laser disc and 8-track media. Said Pelosi on Monday, "BHO and I are defining a bold new vision of America. A vision where high tariffs on imported goods, cripplingly high domestic labor costs, increased corporate taxes (we're #2 behind Japan in this, but we hope to overtake them soon!) and rewarding workers for seniority instead of productivity will transform every city in America into a worker's utopia - like Detroit or East Lansing." After her speech was over, the NYSE dropped 8,238 points to 0, while the Nikkei, FTSE, and DAX all dropped over 100% and into negative territory for the first time in the history of mankind.
The future is now...
Other stories at thecorporatejank.com:
Man strangles hisself on advice of friends, family
Congress approaches treasury for TARP funds, "No we're not broke; just stupid and greedy"
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